For many, Valentine’s Day means embracing the romantic side of life. It means sending bouquets of roses, gifting giant teddy bears, writing lovey-dovey cards, and cooking indulgent dinners and eating them by candlelight. But if romance is just not your jam, or perhaps you’re after something a little more x-rated, there are a few vegan-friendly gifts that might suit what you’re after. Here are nine treats for people looking for a slightly alternative Valentine’s Day (or Galentine’s Day) celebration this year.
All the X-Rated Vegan Valentine’s Day Treats You Didn’t Know You Needed
1. An Eggplant Vibrator
Because self-love is the best love. Emojibator offers eggplant emoji-shaped vibrators for “you” time. It has 10 speeds and is waterproof, so it can be used in and out of the bath or shower. Eggplants aren’t your thing? The brand also offers Banana Emojibators, Pickle Emojibators, and Chilli Pepper Emojibators, amongst other designs.
“We believe in humor and education to promote a society that celebrates pleasure,” says Emojibator. “Designed with this in mind, our products deliver countless health benefits while empowering women with de-li-cious orgasms. If you seek self-pleasure, the playful and perfect gift, or are just embracing your inner vegan, Emojibator will deliver.”
2. A Chocolate Penis
Yes. You can send your lover a vegan chocolate penis if you like. Thanks to Dick at Your Door, this is now an option. The Valentine’s Day Dong 2020 even comes in a pink, pretty box decorated with roses, especially for the occasion. “Chocolate Hearts are so 2019,” says Dick At Your Door. “Up your game this year and get your Valentine a gift they will not only love, [but] they will also remember forever.”
If you want to give your friends a giggle, Dick at Your Door is a particularly good one for those celebrating Valentine’s with pals (you can add a message saying it’s you for reassurance).
3. Vagina Cupcakes
Maybe penises aren’t your thing. What about vaginas? You could also opt to send a pal or a lover some vegan vagina cupcakes, just like these from Vida Bakery.
The London bakery made them as a special one-off order last year. Each baker took on a cupcake to ensure no two were the same, just like a real vagina. It doesn’t look like they are available this year, but there is nothing to stop you from making your own to really wow your Valentine with your baking skills as well as your artistic abilities.
Need some guidance with your vagina cupcake-making? For some lighthearted fun, you could buy your Valentine or Galentine a ticket to a Vagina Cupcake Decorating workshop in London’s King’s Cross. Aside from some of the sprinkles, all of the ingredients used in the class are vegan.
4. Boob Cupcakes
If you want to complete the set, while you’re making vagina cupcakes, you could also make some boob-themed cupcakes, using this recipe by The Everday Veggie. The recipe blogger says, “I made these pink because I did not have any other food coloring except green and blue. Of course, all women should be able to celebrate, so please use whatever food coloring corresponds to the boobs being celebrated.”
Why not take Valentine’s Day as the perfect excuse to celebrate the female anatomy? Have a big party with x-rated cupcakes and chocolate galore.
5. Vegan Chocolate Vulvas
New York-based vegan chocolatier Lagusta’s Luscious is famous for its Furious Vulva chocolates. This gift set comes with a mug and a box of 12 fair trade, vulva-shaped vegan chocolates that lets the fierce feminist in your life proudly proclaim their love of pussy.
6. Vegan Lube From Queen V
Not ready to say I love you? Say I Lube You instead with this vegan aloe vera-based lube from Queen V. It’s also cruelty-free, organic, paraben-free, and suitable for all skin types. This is the ideal gift to go with the veggie-shaped Emojibator for a little bit self-love, or, if you’re feeling it, you could use it in the bedroom with your Valentine.
If you’re lucky enough to be in the top 10 “sexually satisfied” cities across the U.S., you could also get your hands on an Endangered Species Condom from the Center For Biological Diversity. This Valentine’s Day, the center is giving away 40,000 free vegan condoms to people in Denver, Chicago, Indianapolis, Fort Wayne, Cincinnati, Salt Lake City, San Antonio, Autin, Boise, and Columbus, Ohio. Each pack features an image of a species threatened by the human population.
Sarah Baillie, the endangered species condoms coordinator, said in a statement, “the more people we crowd onto the planet, the less room there is for animals and plants. We’re in the midst of a heartbreaking extinction crisis, and safe sex is one important way to turn things around.”
7. Chocolate Body Pen
For a little fun inside the bedroom, this Chocolate Flavoured Body Pen from Love Honey is 100 percent vegan. You can also use the vegan chocolate body paint for a little bit of lighthearted fully-clothed fun with friends. Mess around and draw different designs on each other. When you’re done, just lick it off.
8. After Dinner Willies
Forget After Eights, offer your Valentine these vegan After Dinner Willies after you’ve cooked them a romantic meal. The phallus-shaped sweet treats are plain chocolate-based and filled with mint fondant. If you’re cooking for friends, this will give them an after-dinner laugh. Ooh la la.
9. Penis Pasta
Cooking a meal this Valentine’s Day? Why not swap your penne for a “penis arrabbiata” this Valentine’s? According to Find Me a Gift, this durum wheat-based pasta is the “rudest food since the banana.”
If you’re cooking for mates, this will give them a giggle. Find Me a Gift says, “these rude rascals are sure to entertain or embarrass them, but we bet they won’t be able to resist giving it a try. A bowlful of willy pasta might not be the most conventional meal they’ve ever eaten, but it’s sure to rank amongst the most memorable.”